Friday, July 01, 2005

From: Conversations with Snook (The Younger)


No! No masses! ... What’s that? No, no evensong either! What’s wrong with you, Smitty?! I said secular fun. Se-cu-lar! Get it?

Yeah, sure we can play with your beads. That’s not such a bad i—No, no, no! Not those beads! I’m talking about secular fun here, chumpo! Where the hell were you educated? Wolves?! Don’t you know what— What? What do you mean? Yeah, it makes sense, what’re you interrupting me for? I said what? Yeah, no, that’s not right. How does it go again ... ? I know you don’t know, Smits, I was thinking out loud. Shut-up for a second, for the love of Comte. I’m trying to think ... Where were you educa ... Or ... No! I know! It’s: where were you educated? A rutabaga patch?! Yeah. Makes a little more sense that way. I don’t know what I was thinking. What? It’s a vegetable. No, yeah, that’s right—I was getting it confused with: who were you raised by? ... Yeah, exactly: wolves?! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, where were we?

Oh yeah: don’t you know what secular means?

Anything that isn’t religious. Sure, I guess: sex isn’t very religious. But we’re not gonna do that. But which would be even less religious, so you’re on the right track anyway. What else can you think of? No, memorizing passages from the Imitation of Christ is definitely religious; I’ve lost you again. What? But why would you bother memorizing that particular text if it was just for the sake of the exercise? Why not a poem by Apollinaire? Or a Hitchens column? No, the other one. Well they’re just examples. Anything non-religious oriented or affiliated. There’s any amount of good and wholesome secular culture out there, my friend. Yeah, like Marshall McLuhan! Finally, you’re getting it. Okay so, obviously: the medium is the message. Your turn. What? So what if he’s a Catholic? Well, yeah, but he didn’t say Catholic things. What? How the hell is that Catholic? A Catholic medium makes the message Catholic?! What the fuck are you talking about, Smits?! You’re on drugs, right? Yes, I’m being serious! Exactly how much crack have you smoked today? Well then what’s your excuse?

Okay, I’ve got it. How about we play a little B-ball with Fingers? Eh? Yeah, and then maybe we can head down to Fionn McCool’s after: sink a few—maybe get some grub. Talk about chicks and other secular subjects. Yeah! Now we’re cookin’ with gas! I’ll call him now. What’s his number again? What do you mean? Yeah, I know he wears that, but it’s just, like, a decoration. It could be anything: a Star of David or a marijuana leaf. It’s bling, man. No, there’s no St. Christopher! Where? No there isn’t! No, Smits, there isn’t! There’s only the fucking cross and, I told you, it doesn’t mean anything! What? Why would he kiss it, even if he was religious? Well, then it’s a superstition. Yeah, to be honest, it is better. Because, he would know it’s a superstition: he would have to know that it’s irrational. Fine, I’ll ask him myself, so shut-up. No, it’s ringing, shut-up!

Fingahz! ‘Sup?! How ya doin’ asswipe? Snooky. Yeah! Listen, you know that stupid cross you wear around your neck? Yeah. What’s the deal with that? He did, eh? Thought as much. For your what? First communion? But you don’t go to church or anything? What?! Does it actually mean something to you? What do you mean you don’t know?! Well, either it does or it doesn’t; what’s the dilio? I’m relaxed, just answer the question! Good, well fine, that’s all I was asking. Oh! And Fingers! Fingers! Yeah: do you really kiss it before you play one on one? The cross there. Why? Okay. Yeah, that’s all. Lates.

What’re you gloating for? It just proves the guy’s an idiot. What’re you glad he’s an idiot now? Well, yeah, fine: you were right. Thing is, I don’t know if I’m ever going to be able to look him in the face ever again.

Yes, I can sit in this chair. It’s secular. I know it’s got an interlocking cross motif in the wicker, but that’s the pattern of the weave. They aren’t meant to be crosses. Yes, I can be sure—every wicker chair has this pattern. What?! Yeah, dude, that’s it: it’s a big Christian conspiracy to get everyone to convert by wicker cross osmosis! Brilliant!

Hey! Take your hands off me, you crazy religious nut!