Thursday, July 14, 2005

From: Conversations with Snook (The Cousin)


Don’t get me wrong: horrible, horrible guy and everything, but you don’t get much better tasting than Adolph H. Hitler! Say, his thighs glazed in a simple butter and white wine sauce? Incredible!

What was that? I’m sorry wh—? Hey, relax there, buddy! All I was saying was that— What’s that? Yeah, sure I know what he did, but— Hey now, listen! It’s not like that at all!

All’s I’m saying is the greatest sadist of the last century is pretty good eats. I’m not agreeing with anything he did—God no!—I’m just saying he tastes good boiled, flaked, mixed with mayonnaise, and spread over toast. You know? Don’t get all holier-than-thou on me just ‘cause I like a good feed, same as everybody else.

I mean; do you eat bacon? No, no, no—don’t avoid the question! Do you eat bacon?! Of course I’m being serious! Yeah? Well pigs eat their own feces, did you know that?! Well, they don’t eat their own feces, but they role around in it a hell of a lot. Some of it’s got to get into their mouths … Like, y’ever clean out a chicken coop with chapped lips? And you’re licking your lips a lot, right? ‘Cause they’re chapped. Yeah. Well you were eating shit there, dude. Yeah you were! And the same goes for pigs. They spend all day rolling around in the stuff, some of it’s gotta go down at some point. It stands to reason. And then we eat them for breakfast! It’s disgusting! You may as well be eating the stuff straight out of their asses! Personally, you couldn’t get me to eat bacon at gunpoint, but you don’t see me passing judgement on you; saying things like that you like to eat shit or something. You don’t see me going after the guy scarfing down that hot dog he bought at the stand on the corner, do you? Calling him a dirty shit-eater? The guy who owns that stand has some pretty impressive secrets too, you know. Like: where he washes his hands? Do you see a sink anywhere nearby? Or where he goes to the bathroom? Dj’ever think about that, Mr. High-and-Mighty?

Listen. Adolph Hitler was one bad dude! No doubt. He did some questionable, questionable things! (And when I say “questionable,” I mean that there's no question about it: the things that he did were unquestionably bad!) All I’m saying is: pig’s eat their own shit, man! So what?! …Well, that’s confusing. What I’m trying to say is: bears eat people, right? But you wouldn’t ask a person who’s just been mauled by a bear to then eat the bear! Right?! So why’re you getting on my case about Adolph fuckin’ Hitler?!

What’s that? What I’m talkin’ about is just relaxing over some suds and a couple of juicy Hitler burgers! What’re you talkin’ about?!

You know, call me old fashioned, but I think we’re getting to a point these days where political correctness is doing a lot more harm than good. Where a guy can’t even be certain that the human being he’s about to tenderise, flame-broil and eat isn’t going to offend some liberal intellectual busybody. I mean: hello! Food police?! Doesn’t this worry anybody? First it’s food police, then what?! … I think we all have a pretty good idea where that road leads, right? I mean, I understand where you’re coming from and everything, but talk about throwing-up the baby with the bathwater!

It’s an expression, dude … Yes it is!

And be honest: is it the fact that I’m eating Hitler that’s getting your diaper in a bunch, or is it that I’m saying he tastes good? Why do I get the feeling that if I’d said he tasted bad, none of this would’ve been such a big deal? I mean, fine! I’m sorry, alright! I guess next time I’ll just have to make sure to eat Oprah or the Pope or Dick Van Dyke or somebody a little more acceptable to your morally superior tastes. It’s just that, last time I checked, it was a free country.